Loneliness

They say that everyone in the world is meant for someone. That someone out there is your match, your soulmate, your other half. I think I am the first exception to that rule. When I look internally and I analyze myself, I don't see anyone in the world that I think would want to be with me or would feel complete by having me in their lives and vice versa. I feel like I was one of those people who was just meant to be all alone forever. To grow old alone, end up in a nursing home, and be buried near my children one day. Don't get me wrong, I live and breathe for my children. I think I was meant to be a mother, to raise daughters, two, exactly. But to have a partner to help me just wasn't in God's plan. I was meant to struggle, go through strife, and do it all alone as I have been. For some reason, whether it was a past life, or whatever, I was meant to suffer in this life, and I truly have. Losing everyone close to me that I loved in such a painful way, having no close family to rely on, financially struggling from check to check to feed my kids. Whatever I did, God, in my past life, I am truly sorry and have learned my lesson. Some people are meant to be happy, have fulfilling careers and lives, happy children, true love, beautiful homes, comfortable cars. I am not one of them. I used to think suffering built character. Now I feel like that's bullshit. Somewhere along this road of life I have lost my faith. People ask me why I don't go to church....don't I believe in God? Would you? I've been depressed since I was 17 years old and I read an article once that said, 'most people who are depressed, are depressed for a reason,' so before you tell me to perk up, think about that.

I've officially lost my faith and do not know where to go. If God does exist and has some divine plan for me, so far his plan officially blows. I'm lost. Imagine the most lonely you could feel in the entire world...... now imagine living like that day in and day out for your entire life. Imagine feeling like no one understands you or like you are in a foreign country and no one speaks English around you. That's how I feel. No one will ever "get" me. No one will ever understand me. I'm trapped in this life of complexity and have no escape except death and I can't even escape it that way because I have kids to raise.

Will this pain ever stop?