Going out

Went out to Gabby's last night and had a miserable time. Guys never talk to me or approach me. Nikki always commands a lot of attention, even from the guys I have my eye on. It's hard. I sat in the corner and cried until a guy came up and insisted I hung with him but I said no, no, and left. I have no fun at Gabby's anymore. I just stood on the side of the dancefloor with my beer, looking lonely and desperate. It's not a good healthy place for me to be or go anymore. There is no one there that is going to be decent for me. I'm starting to wonder if there is anyone anywhere meant for me. I'm so sick of being alone.

The kids are at Des's. I'm home alone and all I wanna do is sleep. I'm so tired and worn out. I'm emotionally drained. Literally. The situation with Bo is annoying. It felt like Nikki was jealous of that from the beginning and tried to sabotage it and decided to and did it. Then she's still fuckin around with Cheeks and he's sooooooooooooo ugly and boring! She wants to be the wifey one while I sit around and look stupid. Mission accomplished.

I'm sick of dealing with Des and Nicole. Sick of life in general. I can't even trust my best friend. I can't trust my grandma....what if she was the one to call child protection? I'm becoming increasingly paranoid and it's scary. i miss my kids but know they have fun over there and I need time to grieve my life. I'm behind at work, behind at school, things are not good. Lord, give me some mercy and a chance to make it right.

The misery

This drug-induced haze is annoying. I hate it. I hate all of these tranquilizers and sedatives. All of this to deal with an asshole ex-husband and his new whore. I can't take it. I hate where I live, I hate the loneliness of single parenthood. I feel so wound up, uptight, unhappy. I read that benzodiazepines just make you more depressed. I don't think I'm going to take the Ativan anymore and just take the Klonopin for anxiety everyday, maybe Ambien at night if I can't sleep. Maybe keep the Zyprexa where it's at at 5 mg because I need the mood stabilization of it. I can't bear not waking up in time to do the things I need to do for the day. I just want to lay in bed and cry, writhe, and stare at the ceiling. I'd give anything for a few days to just do that but now I don't get a break from the kids ever because of the restraining order against him and the sheer impossibility of dealing with her. Work is so tedious, boring, and the day seems to drag on and on but I need the money so bad. So many things weighing heavy on my mind right now. Things I need to buy. Christmas is coming. I hate Christmas. It's the worst holiday ever. Add that Kaia's birthday is right around the corner and Thanksgiving is coming and I work, and it's just plain horrid. Anyway, it's nice to vent. I feel the need to socialize more in real life with people. Bars, clubs, restaurants, whatever. Bowling alleys? However people meet people that isn't online. I'm not a dater. I don't know how to date. So all of this is so new to me. Anyway, I better get back to work. I hope I make it through the work day but right now I just wanna go to bed. :(

Black cloud

I'm not doing well emotionally at all. Still losing, very very slowly. Not getting in the protein but still taking vitamins. Not getting enough water. Drinking REGULAR soda. Yep, I said it and admit it. Not even dumping off of it. I want my money back. I feel like I've failed this surgery and it's really sad and hard for me but there is so much going on for me right now financially, physically, emotionally. I am almost at the point of losing my kids and that, I'm afraid, is the most important thing in my life right now and I am focusing on that. I have to do what I have to do. I'm taking lots of Ativan and Ambien at night to sleep. I'm a nervous wreck. I've missed my bariatric follow up appointments. My life is in chaos and shambles. My car is falling apart and I live in the middle of nowhere. I'm so broke I can barely buy the kids food, much less protein powders. I am really struggling right now. I hope God shows me some mercy soon. I'm to the point of almost feeling I need to be in the psych ward. I don't feel like myself. I hope this lets up. :(