Going out

Went out to Gabby's last night and had a miserable time. Guys never talk to me or approach me. Nikki always commands a lot of attention, even from the guys I have my eye on. It's hard. I sat in the corner and cried until a guy came up and insisted I hung with him but I said no, no, and left. I have no fun at Gabby's anymore. I just stood on the side of the dancefloor with my beer, looking lonely and desperate. It's not a good healthy place for me to be or go anymore. There is no one there that is going to be decent for me. I'm starting to wonder if there is anyone anywhere meant for me. I'm so sick of being alone.

The kids are at Des's. I'm home alone and all I wanna do is sleep. I'm so tired and worn out. I'm emotionally drained. Literally. The situation with Bo is annoying. It felt like Nikki was jealous of that from the beginning and tried to sabotage it and decided to and did it. Then she's still fuckin around with Cheeks and he's sooooooooooooo ugly and boring! She wants to be the wifey one while I sit around and look stupid. Mission accomplished.

I'm sick of dealing with Des and Nicole. Sick of life in general. I can't even trust my best friend. I can't trust my grandma....what if she was the one to call child protection? I'm becoming increasingly paranoid and it's scary. i miss my kids but know they have fun over there and I need time to grieve my life. I'm behind at work, behind at school, things are not good. Lord, give me some mercy and a chance to make it right.

The misery

This drug-induced haze is annoying. I hate it. I hate all of these tranquilizers and sedatives. All of this to deal with an asshole ex-husband and his new whore. I can't take it. I hate where I live, I hate the loneliness of single parenthood. I feel so wound up, uptight, unhappy. I read that benzodiazepines just make you more depressed. I don't think I'm going to take the Ativan anymore and just take the Klonopin for anxiety everyday, maybe Ambien at night if I can't sleep. Maybe keep the Zyprexa where it's at at 5 mg because I need the mood stabilization of it. I can't bear not waking up in time to do the things I need to do for the day. I just want to lay in bed and cry, writhe, and stare at the ceiling. I'd give anything for a few days to just do that but now I don't get a break from the kids ever because of the restraining order against him and the sheer impossibility of dealing with her. Work is so tedious, boring, and the day seems to drag on and on but I need the money so bad. So many things weighing heavy on my mind right now. Things I need to buy. Christmas is coming. I hate Christmas. It's the worst holiday ever. Add that Kaia's birthday is right around the corner and Thanksgiving is coming and I work, and it's just plain horrid. Anyway, it's nice to vent. I feel the need to socialize more in real life with people. Bars, clubs, restaurants, whatever. Bowling alleys? However people meet people that isn't online. I'm not a dater. I don't know how to date. So all of this is so new to me. Anyway, I better get back to work. I hope I make it through the work day but right now I just wanna go to bed. :(

Black cloud

I'm not doing well emotionally at all. Still losing, very very slowly. Not getting in the protein but still taking vitamins. Not getting enough water. Drinking REGULAR soda. Yep, I said it and admit it. Not even dumping off of it. I want my money back. I feel like I've failed this surgery and it's really sad and hard for me but there is so much going on for me right now financially, physically, emotionally. I am almost at the point of losing my kids and that, I'm afraid, is the most important thing in my life right now and I am focusing on that. I have to do what I have to do. I'm taking lots of Ativan and Ambien at night to sleep. I'm a nervous wreck. I've missed my bariatric follow up appointments. My life is in chaos and shambles. My car is falling apart and I live in the middle of nowhere. I'm so broke I can barely buy the kids food, much less protein powders. I am really struggling right now. I hope God shows me some mercy soon. I'm to the point of almost feeling I need to be in the psych ward. I don't feel like myself. I hope this lets up. :(

Cake and Pen

How silly of me to think that the facade you put on was real.
To think that you were a perfect gentleman
a rare breed
one of a kind
Who was I kidding?
I left my guard up with no intentions of feeling special
and I'm glad I did.
Because out of all the things you said
deeds you did
ways you made me feel for a split second
I never believed you.
And yet it still hurts.
The fact that you are just as egotistical, insensitive,
naive, immature, and just plain sad as the rest
is, well,
sad.
You come crawling to me when the chips are down
you'd like to have your cake and eat it too
Doesn't every man?
But this girl is not coated in sugar
No, this girl spends less time near an oven and more time with a pen in her hand
The pen never cheats, never lies
only does what you tell it to
doesn't have a wandering eye or heart
So you can take your cake and eat it all you want
and I'll keep my pen, thank you
and we'll part ways like you have forced us to.

Original man

Everytime we are together
He amazes me a little more
The simple things we talk about
aren't so simple to everyone else
But to us, they come naturally
I can feel his aura, his passion, his ambition
It rubs off on me and makes me a better person
The way we relate to each other
or know what each other's thinking during uncomfortable silences
How the time we spend together goes so fast
but doesn't seem like it
How he treats me like a princess, holds open doors, and is the perfect gentleman
He illuminates a room with his ego
Not too big, not too small
People take notice
and notice I'm with him
I like that.
He likes my smile
I like his soul
He appreciates the little things
I appreciate everything
and thank God to have finally met
an original man.

Bags and Burdens

She carries her bags and her burdens on her shoulders
They are heavy and weigh her down
The handles stretch with the weight of it
Almost to the point of breaking.
She wipes the sweat from her brow
and drudges forward
blood
sweat
tears
no one notices.
She dreams of being nonexistent,
of hiding in a dark corner of an empty house
of reading books and writing poems
ignoring the outside world that rejects her.
She dreams of Plath-like peace
in a world of chaotic melancholy.
Instead she fumbles with keys at the door
drops the bags to the floor
and collapses in a chair.
She made it.
No where in particular but she made it.
At least for today
But should she not make it tomorrow
she doubts anyone would notice
does anyone even listen?
Listen?
Listen?
Writhing in agony late at night in front of
what seems like a fluorescent screen
Tears rolling down her face as she writes
To no one
for nothing
but for her own eyes.
Will she make it tomorrow?

Antisocial

I admit it, I'm avoidant, antisocial, agoraphobic. I am irritated and annoyed by people. Not necessarily people in general, just fake, shiny, happy people who act like life is great. Maybe it is great for them, who knows. If I had no kids, I'd live my life as a hermit, a recluse, like Sylvia Plath, Anne Sexton, Greta Garbo. Women who humanity didn't appreciate until their demise. I'd live in solitude and write and read. Hell, if I was Catholic, I'd become a nun. I feel like people expect too much from me when I already expect an enormous amount from myself.

If it were up to me, I'd never go out and live my life completely at home. Going out means dressing up, being uncomfortable, putting on a fake smile, and pretending I'm normal and pretending I understand where other people are coming from and them pretending to understand where I'm coming from. It's a recipe for disaster.

When all is said and done, at least I can say that the only thing that makes me feel human are the hugs my children give me.