Writing

Tonight I feel profoundly sad for some reason. I think about my kids and the life they have being shuffled between parents. I think about how much more I wish I would have done with my writing. I have been watching Black in America on CNN and the story of Tyler Perry. It's truly inspirational; about how he persisted with his writing and playwriting despite being shot down everywhere he went. I wish I would have had his persistence so many years ago. I feel almost too old to make something of my writing now. Maybe that's a ridiculous thought. One of my black/white contortions.

I miss my kids. The house is lonely when they are at their dad's. My only solace is that in a week we will be moved closer to him so that I can always be close to them and they don't have to spend as much time there. At least I hope not.

I am sad tonight. Lonely. I went to the myspace of an old flame and saw that he married the girl that he left me for. It hurt. I don't think I ever really had extreme feelings for him like that but the fact that I wasn't good enough-- that feeling of rejection-- is what really pains me.

I went through my sister's things last night and realize how much our lives are beginning to parallel and how scary and unhappy that is. That's not a good thing. I need to refocus my life on my success and what I really want and worry less about partying or finding a mate. Love will find me when Im' not looking, I'm sure. I hope.

In my psychology classes, I'm learning the value of journaling. I guess that's my hope with this blog. I am physically becoming what I want thanks to my weight loss surgery but mentally have a long way to go. I know that I can work through these issues with a lot of writing. Writing is like talking to a therapist without feedback. But no matter what, writing doesn't judge, give you a hard time, or gruff for what you do. It's an outlet, an art form, and I appreciate having it to express myself.